HOW MUCH HELP IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT?

Are We Helping Too Much Or Too Little?

I have been in a few discussions lately about helping loved ones who are having physical or mental difficulties.

When we see someone we care about struggle to do various things it’s our natural desire to want to rescue, to do these things for them and to start to take over.

Is this good or not so good?  I asked myself what if I were the one struggling, what would I want my loved ones to do?

In my research, time and time again people tell me their biggest fear is losing independence.  This is no surprise.  It is also no surprise that if and when certain tasks become more challenging we can become highly anxious at the very least or put ourselves in danger at the very worst.

So how much help is too much or too little?  I think the answer is a delicate one.

There is a lady I know who is in her late 80s.  Mentally she is doing extremely well, but physically she is becoming frail.  We will call her Jane.  Jane has been widowed for some years and is used to getting things done.  This makes her feel happy.  In fact, she often says, “I feel good about what I’ve achieved today”.

Jane used to have a cleaner to help her around the house, but she found the cleaner stealing so she had to let her go.  Understandably Jane is now a little nervous of hiring anyone else, so she cleans the house herself.  Her home is spotless.  But she can no longer put the cleaner over the carpets, nor take the net curtains down.  This upsets her 

Jane’s daughter wanted to take over the cleaning.  She made a great plan of what and when she would clean.  But this made Jane even more anxious, because she felt a burden.

I gently suggested that perhaps they could do the chores together.  Daughter doing the heavy work and mother dusting, helping take the curtains down and back up again.

Jane’s daughter wasn’t too keen on this at first because she was short of time and wanted just to get on with it.  But they had a go.  They found that they quite enjoyed the process.  Chatting whilst doing

So next time we offer to help, perhaps we should think of ways to involve everyone, even if they can only do a little.  Communication and self-worth will be greatly improved.

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